you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
