I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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