My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
