I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
