My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
