You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
