I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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