I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
