what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
