I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you didnt know i had herpes?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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