I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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