also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
