i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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