Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
