U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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