My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
