I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
