I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
being pregnant is like rehab
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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