dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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