I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
