I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
