I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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