Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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