I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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