Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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