i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
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