ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
