I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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