yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
