You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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