I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
