I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
it was like eating out sand paper
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
