somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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