I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
