Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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