I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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