gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
