I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
