last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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