I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
