I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
