There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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