Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
