i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
