Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
