I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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