I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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