Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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