i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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