I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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