Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
